Experiences through chanting

Turning over a new chapter in my life

2010-12-30T11:16:00.000-08:00

I'm turning a new leaf. a new Chapter. I'm getting married!!

I'm chanting to help me closing old friendships that must be closed and opening my heart to new friends.

Hope everyone is well out there! Sorry, its been so long since I last wrote. Things have been a little hectic.

I will write more soon.

Feeling out of place...

2010-03-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel out of place here. I feel like i say the wrong things. Do the wrong things. I try to be the best person I can be -- nonjudgmental, helpful, and friendly.

Things don't always happen the way you want them to. In fact, things never do. I want to be that person people turn to in their hour of need. I've been through enough to say I've done it. I've been there. I understand.

Life happens. You are never ready for it. I'm living life the best way I can -- by chanting and faith. Maybe I'll attend that meeting on Sunday. Maybe not, but. somehow, I know I need guidance.

Update...

2010-03-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

I've realized now that my lack of concentration and desire to pass the bar may have been because of the nagging feeling that I don't really want to go back into law.

I chanted for hours on this decision and have come up a peaceful feeling. This is really what I want to do -- work in a creative marketing/ public relations/community oriented feel. I want to help build social networking communities.

I guess I've always known....I just needed a little bit more time to figure it out than most...

Plus, chanting gave me that courage to stand up to potential naysayers and go ahead and do what I really want to do.

studying for the bar... lacking motivation

2010-01-26T00:06:00.000-08:00

hi all.its been another long while. sorry i have been studying for the bar exam in hopes of getting a position down there. i just had an interview and will have another one coming up. but am very unsure of myself. i need to chant more for victory. i want to again show people that chanting and prayer can improve your life. i will continiue to pursue this path and will hopefully get there :)

No Responses or Sharing?

2009-11-09T01:20:00.000-08:00

Its okay, I understand. Sometimes, it can be very difficult to share a personal experience.
I am continuing to chant. Today, I upped my chanting a little more. I've been feeling restless and out of sorts.

My FI applied to a position he's been wanting for awhile. He said its a "rare opportunity" this opportunity means I will have to leave behind things I've been working on here and I'm not sure I want to do this. I am chanting for success. I'm not sure where my life is headed, I will continue on with what I am doing and pray for the future.

I place my faith and my future in my chanting. Of course, I will continue to work towards my goal and will not rely on faith alone, but I know faith will be the deciding factor.

Finding Inspiration In Others

2009-10-21T00:43:00.000-07:00

I have been chanting less lately and it makes me feel empty. I know I should chant more to reach my goals, but I have been feeling very lost lately. Has anyone else felt like this? I know many people have come to this blog for encouragement in finding a job -- to know that chanting will help them in these difficult times. I, too, would like to find people who can give some encouragement. Is anyone out there who can also share their story to provide us comfort and encouragement? If there is, please send the story to chantingexperiences@gmail.com and let me know if I can post it here on my blog.

Thank you,
Me

Finding my path

2009-10-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in this journal for two months. This seems to be a monthly blog. A lot of things have happened...

The love of my life asked me to marry him. I said yes.
I have been working on starting a lawfirm, but I just interviewed with a company I have been wanting to work with for a long time.
I am stressed out about money/job and do not know if i can go another few months without income.

My SO has been supportive of whatever I want to do, but I am caught. What do I want to do? I want to help people, but I also need to find a way to support myself. It seems that no matter what happens, when things look up there are other things pulling me back down.

I am chanting now for a clear path. That the path that will help me (and others) will open before me and it will be an easy step to take. I hope things work out soon.

Disgusted by Racism/Sexism

2009-08-31T17:52:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I posted, but I wanted to make a little post about what I've encountered on my quest for a job. I went to a meeting, and, at first, was treated very nicely. As the meeting went on, there were comments made which were less than nice. such as, you should just get married or I would hate to be you etc etc.

What I realized is, even the most well-meaning people can screw up once in a while and hurt other's feelings. Or maybe I just need to develop a thicker skin. My newest quest is to chant for racist/sexist people. I will chant that their eyes will be opened and they will realize they are creating more harm than good.

Although I may not be able to change everyone's thoughts, I know that through my actions and through my chanting, I can at least help change one person for the better.

Cleaning up..

2009-05-31T01:00:00.000-07:00

Today, my SO and I did some deep cleaning. It started off as an argument over my car. He said Woah! your car is so messy! Look who's the messy one in the household! it must be your mess in our apt!

To this, I responded no way! etc etc. It ended with me driving my car to a car wash, throwing my SO out of the car and handing him a vacuum along with the deep cleaning form sponge thing. We did a major overhaul of the interior of my car and i have to say its sooo clean now. As we were driving back to the apt, I told my SO, I'm ready to start cleaning up my life too. Starting with our kitchen and my diet.

I jumped on weight watchers and started planning out our meals for the next week. Then, I wrote out our grocery list and supplies needed to clean our kitchen (which was a dirty ugly mess).

After, before we went to get the supplies, I began an overhaul of our kitchen (my domain) while chiding my SO for all the moldy cups he keeps all over the table.

In an hour, my kitchen was partially clean, but it wasn't done yet. I needed the supplies.

So, we went out, bought everything on the list, came home and finished. The kitchen, although clean, was SPARKLING by the time I was done with the help of my clorox wipes.

Don't worry guys, there is an end to this story, its not just about my clean(!) kitchen and car.

When a person wants to clean their house, they need supplies. When a person wants to lose weight, they need a plan. While a person may have the drive to do these things, if they lack the tools and the know-how, they will be unable to achieve all that within their grasp.

What am I trying to say? A person must have a plan, supplies, and the drive to succeed.

So, too, for life. To succeed, we all must have the drive, but this is not enough. We must also have a plan and the tools to do so.

While you may have the drive and the plan, you may lack the tools -- the tool to make your life successful is Nam Myoho Renge Kyo.

Add Nam Myoho Renge Kyo to the mix and you will have a neverfail way to success.

Inspirational Cat Chanter

2009-05-19T11:50:00.000-07:00

moar funny pictures

Still plugging away....

2009-05-18T23:42:00.000-07:00

This weekend was very hard for me. There were some things that occurred that I was not quite happy about. In fact, it made me extremely sad because there was no way I could fix it. I cried... I chanted...I cried some more...

It is at these times, when everything is going wrong, I throw myself and my fate into chanting and faith. I have faith that things will turn out the way I need them to. I have faith that there is something out there.

Today, I received an email to interview for a job i've been coveting for a while.

In october, when I started looking for a job, I thought to myself wouldn't it be great if I could work for x company as x?

Last week, they posted a job doing exactly that. This week they called me for a phone interview. Please chant for me everyone. I'm very very excited about this position.

Even Cheezcats love Chanting...

2009-05-01T12:45:00.000-07:00

moar funny pictures

Searching for inspiration....

2009-04-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as I was walking to the restroom, I found a child's toy. I stopped and asked the people closest to me if it was theirs. The reaction was horrible. They were so mean to me as if I was giving them poison. So, I was about to show it to give it to the other woman who was at the area and those people shushed me and sent me away. I left the child's toy on the table. Hoping that a happy child would find it.

This angered me. I could not believe they treated me so badly when I only wanted to help. Is this why no one helps another person out? When you try to help, you are slapped in the face and sent away? I was upset for a very long time. Brooding over this. Then, I realized, that this experience only shows me that *I* should be grateful when others help *me*. By setting an example and being gracious when I am helped by others or by helping others despite this horrible experience, I hope to set a good example. To set a chain of events that will help change the mindset of others because I know that *I* search for inspiration from others. Do you also? When I hear the stories of other people and how they have persevered and conquered, it makes me happy. I smile when I think of the experiences of others. It reminds me that I, too, will be able to conquer all.

When I hear about others who have helped people and when others are happy when I help them, I am inspired to help more.

Let's be gracious and helpful. If someone treats us meanly after we try to help them let's "turn the other cheek" if someone helps *us* let us be gracious and accepting without wondering who in their right mind would ever want to be helpful.

Xzibit explains chanting in concentrate

2009-04-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

Although this is a little unorthodox, the message is good (sort of) :-p

How the economy has affected me

2009-04-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

We are all experiencing an economic crisis that is affecting the way we think and the way that we act. American society has been humbled as a whole by the economic crisis. It is not a good thing, but as they say "turn poison into medicine." I was scared when I graduated from law school without being offered a job, but because I wasn't, I was able to start finding myself again. To start understanding what I really need.

This year of contract work and uncertainty has been eye opening for me and humbling. I understand what it is like to be out of work. To not be able to find a job. I understand a little bit more what other Americans are feeling and I feel blessed that I am able to to do this.

I believe the economy will get better -- that things will eventually work out, but we must continue chanting. Through our daily prayers and our constant striving, we will make this country better than ever because now Americans can empathize with each thos e less fortunate than themselves. In order to get out of this crisis, we must all begin working together and being thankful for the things we have now while still striving for the security that we need.

Tina Turner explains chanting

2009-04-25T12:09:00.001-07:00

Its time to step up and be a mentor...

2009-04-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

When youth are awakened to a sense of mission, their power is limitless. Ultimately, we have to entrust our hopes and visions for the future to the youth. This is a golden rule. Youth is pure. Youth will rise up to fulfill their ideals without calculation or self-interest. The fundamental spirit of a leader must be to reach out to such young people, work with them and bring out their capabilities and direct their youthful energies in a positive direction.~ Daisaku Ikeda

I understand this quote as setting a good example for our children and those that look up to us. The heart of a child is loving and untainted. They see things in ways we are unable to. Children are more often likely to forgive others for the horrible things that may befall them. It is our duty as adults and as mentors to protect them and give them someone to look up to. Helping others in need is good, but we can all start by just being kind to those around us. Taking a little extra time to smile at others and say hello rather than glaring. When someone cuts you off in the road, let them go. Maybe they had somewhere to be.

It is time, especially for me, to understand the gifts that we have been given and in these times of uncertainty, let's not fight each other. Let's work together to inspire others.

Joining twitter...

2009-04-18T01:20:00.001-07:00

Hi Everyone!
I just joined twitter and have updated my domain name. It is now chantingexperiences.com

I thought this might be a little easier than purelilyrose.blogspot.com :)
I have been writing a lot about me lately( no duh hehehe) and would really like to make this blog more inspirational. Please, if anyone has any experiences they would like to share, I would love to post this on my blog. I want to collect stories of how Nam Myoho Renge Kyo can help people heal, find jobs, have a better life, etc. so that others may also be inspired to chant.

I know when I first started I searched for a blog like this but was not able to do so. I hope that this blog will soon be the inspiration some people who are scared will be able to read and use.

Continuing the path...

2009-03-01T14:01:00.000-08:00

I am happy with the way things worked out. Unfortunately, when I received the job offer and accepted it, I stopped chanting as much. This was a bad idea. I noticed with the decrease in daimoku, I also saw a decrease in my health and happiness.

I let my chanting lapse because I got what I wanted. Don't do this. Chant all the time. Chanting will make the good and bad times better. I will start chanting again. But, if you want an example of what happened, in the short week I stopped chanting, I caught the flu, had some very upsetting experiences, and gained a little bit of weight since I was unable to get to the gym. Nothing major, yet, but I know that I should pick my chanting back up because I feel better about myself and everything works out better also.

So happy to have found the best job ever

2009-02-24T22:59:00.000-08:00

So, I've been working at this great job that I absolutely love. I am learning a lot and have fun researching new companies. I am so excited about this because I am finally working on something that I love. Advertising for funny blogs anda celebrity gossip site. I never thought I would be very interested in sales,but I Am really looking forward to that part of the job too because it jnvolves creating sales pitches and media kita. Yay! Fun!

Chanting has really helped me to find my dream job and I am so grateful. I will start to chang for continuing success and that those people still looking for jobs will find their perfect position. I also chant that the people who supported me during this time will find the job that is the perfect fit for them. I feel so blessed that I have amazing friends and an amazing mentor.

As always please let me k ow if u would like me to chant for u during these hard times

Found a job... :)

2009-02-18T13:53:00.000-08:00

For everyone who has been keeping up with my journal and chanting for me. Thank you, it definitely helped. I was offered a contract position yesterday. Now, as we all know, contract positions may not last long. Last time, I was laid off due to economic circumstances. This time, well, the contract is "up to 6 months". I had three other potential offers that paid more yesterday, but, since this came in first, I chose to work with this one.

Here's an interesting set of circumstances. The night before I was offered a position, before I went to sleep, I was chanting that the right job will give me an offer first and, if it wasn't the right job, that they would not offer it to me or, I would already be working for another company. Curiously enough, the lowest paying position was the position that was offered right after I finished chanting.

Weird? Maybe. So, I chanted again because, although I was excited about this position, I was worried about my student loans. I will have only a little bit of money left over from my student loans. Definitely not enough to live off of. So, I am chanting that they will rescind the offer if this isn't the best job for me and another one, one that I spoke with yesterday, will offer me a position.

I have to say though... I know that chanting will bring the best outcome and I have total faith that this position is the best position out there for me. I just will probably have to get a second job :)

I would never have gotten this position without chanting and I am completely grateful that this happened.

To all of you reading this journal and are looking for a job, never lose hope. Continue your gongyo and daimoku. Chanting nam myoho renge kyo will help you find the right position.

More Trouble Ahead

2009-02-11T23:39:00.001-08:00

One of my best friend's is getting married. Yay! I'm excited.

But the flights are extremely expensive. I need a job. I'm chanting to get a job to pay off these crazy bills that keep adding up.

I just need to keep believing things will get better. I just need to keep chanting and having faith.

Hopefully, I can get a job soon and people will be inspired to chant because they will see the struggles I've been through and will realize that chanting will get them to where they want to be.

Better Today

2009-02-10T18:33:00.001-08:00

I'm feeling better today. I woke up. I chanted. I took my dog for a walk. Then chanted some more. I'm getting a routine down.

I chant. I cry. I chant some more. I have been having more interviews lately. I think this is because of all the chanting I've been doing. Sincere chanting will always help you in the end.

I know I've been upset. I know that this blog is not inspirational right now as I've been struggling and things don't appear to be getting any better. But... I have faith. I have faith that these things will pass and my life will be better for it.

I am hoping that this delay in a large event in our lives, will bring my SO and I closer. That by struggling together through this period, we learn a little more about ourselves and each other. I know that this period of unemployment and hopelessness is only to help me be that much happier when things finally do start to do well. That I won't take for granted my relationship, my health, and my job.

I know that this period is helping me to be a better person. To learn more about me and how I handle stress and disorder.

I chant that I take this lesson and learn from it instead of being spiteful. I chant that these lessons I learn and the problems I face will inspire people because they will know that they are not the only ones going through this.

My life will get better. I have faith that it will. I just have to chant and be patient and appreciate the small things I do have.

Patiently Waiting

2009-02-03T10:03:00.000-08:00

I'm continuing to chant for a job. Hopefully some opportunities will open up soon. I've started a new diet and a new workout plan while waiting though. Something to keep my mind off things.

I had an interview, but I have not heard back from them. I'm not sure what is going on with that one, but we'll see. I'm very sure that if it was not the position for me, I have faith that there is a reason I did not work in it.

Student loans are coming up soon, and i"m completely scared about having to pay them back.

I'm continuing to chant. I know something good will happen shortly :)

It will get better...

2009-01-27T14:17:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a few articles lately about what people are doing in our economy. I have to say its very depressing.

Forgive me for yesterday's post, it was entirely selfish of me to complain when there are so many others who have it far worse. I continue to chant for my own job, but also for others to find one too.

I know its scary out there. I've sent out more than 150 resumes and job applications and have only had 1 interview so far, but things will be better soon. I will continue to persevere. I know there is a job out there for me. Hopefully, I will find it soon.

I will continue to chant and pray for a better economy and that people will find help. If you want to be included in my chanting or even want to contribute a post here and there email me.

Good luck everyone.

More Job Hunting... More Chanting... More Waiting

2009-01-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

I've been applying to a lot of jobs lately. I've been applying to places that aren't even looking -- with this economy, it does not look like my job hunt will be over any time soon. The problem is, I have student loans coming up and bills I have to pay. I can't live off my parents or my SO forever. I need to find something soon.

I hate to admit, but I'm slowly beginning to lose faith. I'd like to say that I am unwavering in my chanting and belief that something good will soon happen, but its been a while since I was laid off and there is nothing in the horizon. In fact, things are only getting increasingly worse. Due to my job loss things that would have happened already have been put off till a better time. I know there are a lot of people in the same boat as me, but I need something soon. I keep waiting and waiting and chanting and waiting and nothing seems to happen.

I will continue chanting and letting you all know how things are going, but right now, I am just at a loss. I need a job and some income soon.

I am chanting that I will receive an interview and a job offer by the end of this week. Please chant for me.

Deleting the past...

2008-12-13T19:51:00.000-08:00

I deleted my myspace today. I was attached to it and was keeping it for old times sake, but, then, I realized what old times was i holding onto? What could I get from Myspace that i didn't already have? I have friends.

I have been chanting for closure to my past and for the ability to get away from it all. I realize now I will not ever be able to have closure until I actually *close* it myself and take those first few steps. I am ready to move on now. Ready to be a better person, and a grown up. I no longer need a myspace to communicate to my true friends. They will communicate with me. i do not need a myspace to make me feel popular or happy. Because, honestly, it wasn't doing that at all. It was making me self conscious and scared. I'm ready now.

I'm ready to take the first step to a better life. Ready to start healing some old and festered wounds.

Deeper into the storm

2008-12-12T17:37:00.000-08:00

I've been chanting more lately. I try to clear my mind and just chant because I dont want to be selfish when i'm chanting. I don't want to just be chanting about myself. In essence, I chant that this economic crisis will abate and that millions of people will find jobs that they lost and those that still have them won't lose them.

Needless to say, I'm worried that we'll end up in a great depression. In fact, not just might, probably will. Anyone out there have any stories they'd like to share about getting laid off and how they are handling the situation? Are you chanting also? If you would like to share your story on my blog please email me at katanainhawaii@gmail.com.

I will post your story in an entry. Now is the time to start gaining home from each other and faith -- we need stories of hope and success in these harsh economic times. I know that those stories are out there and I can't wait to hear them.

In the mean time, I will continue chanting for you, myself, and the rest of the world that we are not hit too hard.

Its always darkest before the light -- let's support each other through this.

Still job searching...

2008-12-08T23:27:00.001-08:00

~When one door closes, another one opens~

I remind myself of this saying constantly. Because it is the ending of another year, I thought I'd recap my year for all of you who have just started reading my journal.

In this past year, I

Left a 3 and a half year ill fated relationship (even though we were engaged and were planning our wedding)
Met my soul mate
Graduated from law school despite all adversity
Passed the bar
Moved out of Oregon
Found my passion in life -- creative writing and working with people
Had my poem published in a magazine, had a short story featured on storymash.com, and helped my friend create her marketing campaigns
Continued chanting

In essence, I have had a lot of changes in my life. Through it all, I continued my chanting and beliefs that if I left my fate in the hands of faith everything would work out. Although i have not yet found a job, i believe I am closer to finding one that fits me. Weeding out the not so good jobs that don't fit me is good because I want to find a job I can make a career out of.

I chant to find that perfect job every day. I know that in this economic crisis I should just be chanting for a job, but I want one that I will enjoy and can stay at for a long time. I won't settle and, I believe, with chanting I won't have to because as long as I continue with my faith I know I will be protected.

Finding my way through chanting

2008-11-24T00:33:00.000-08:00

Chanting can help you find paths you didn't think you were ready for. I have been chanting to find a job that suits me, but also to find peace within myself. I find that I can be hard to live with with set on a task. I get caught up in things and concentrate. My poor bf has to find ways to "snap" me out of it to feed him.

I've slowly been finding my love of cooking again. I love to cook. Its relaxing and it helps me think about what I have done and what I will do. I can also chant while I cook-- something I do often.

You shouldn't chant just when you need something. You should chant when you're happy, sad, relaxed, or playing. Chanting can help make peaceful settings even more peaceful.

I am often very stressed, especially since I am not working right now and student loan payments are coming up, but chanting helps me alleviates stress. It helps me because I know that chanting is a proactive way of taking control of my life. Sure, I also have to send out the job applications and continue working hard on my resumes, but for the aspects of the application process I have no control over I can chant that the jobs that are meant for me will call me back and those that are not right for me will send me a message that I am not right for the job.

Chanting relieves my stress because through chanting, I know that the best outcome possible is soon to come.

Happy about Adversity?

2008-11-20T17:54:00.001-08:00

Sorry, its been awhile. Again, I think, maybe, I'll make this a monthly blog. Anyway, my internship ended early because of the economic financial crisis. At first, I was caught in a "what am I going to do?" feeling, but now, I realize this is my chance to pursue my dreams. The internship was great. I highly enjoyed it, I got a lot of experience, and I met a lot of fun people, but I have realized I want to follow my passion.

I want to write. Not just any writing, but creative fun and vibrant writing. I want a position that allows me to use my creativity to its fullest and allows me to interact with different types of people on a daily basis. I got a taste of this at my internship, but I know there are other positions that could fit this description better. I'm not worried.

I was driving to drop off my bar licensing fee to the post office today when I realized that I enjoy these short bouts of adversity -- they keep me on my toes and remind me that I have to work harder and not just settle for anything.

I find that, now that I am not working at the internship, I have more things to do. I am working on creating my own company, helping a music artist create her internet press kit and branding, and searching for jobs. Every day brings a new surprise and with every surprise, I learn a little more about myself.

I chant harder that I will find a job that fits me and fulfills all my requirements. The newest problems are a launching pad for better things to come -- and I will face these problems head on.

Has anyone out there been laid off, too? Has the economic crisis affected you also? Please comment and I will include you in my nightly chanting. Things will get better, with every day that passes, have faith in nam myoho renge kyo, continue chanting, actively pursuing your goals, and you will begin to see your life unfold in ways you could only hope for.

Happiness in the world

2008-10-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

There is no true happiness other than upholding faith in the Lotus Sutra. This is what is meant by "peace and security in their present existence and good circumstances in future existences." Though worldly troubles may arise, never let them disturb you. No one can avoid problems, not even sages or worthies. - The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin

I enjoy this passage because it is very true. I am constantly worried about something. I am always on the go. I never have time to sit and think about passages anymore. I decided it was time to slow time. Take my time. Where is the rush?

I have received many blessings from chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. Most notably, I have finished law school, passed the bar, and found a job I enjoy. The law continues to goad me; never letting me turn my back on what is necessary and correct. I continue to stress about things I can't change, but these are problems, as the passage states, that cannot be avoided.

Chanting is the only way to relieve stress and solve problems. Chanting helps delve into your innermost desires and search for what you really need, rather than what you think you want. We all may trip along the way. We might make mistakes and say the wrong things. The lesson is in these mistakes. By making mistakes, we make ourselves better by finding ourselves returning to chant Nam Myoho Renge Kyo.

How many times have you found yourself scared, stressed, or depressed? In those times have you chanted? I have. I have encountered these times frequently in my journey through law school and life. Prior to chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, I did not believe things would get better. Now, by chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, I have found my purpose.

Yay!!! I passed!!!

2008-10-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

So, I just thought I'd tell you all that I passed the bar. Considering this past year, and the trials I faced to get here, I'm very surprised I passed. Grateful actually. I know that I would never have been able to pass without daimoku. I did not study. Instead, I focused on chanting and clearing my head for the test. It was a gamble, but I needed to do it. I trusted in the gohonzon and myself that I was making the right choice. Sometimes, you can't prepare for what life will bring you. Sometimes, you have to give yourself up and say," I'll let it go." I'll admit I like control. I like structure. I hate not knowing my future - the unknown is the worst for me. But in my darkest hours, in the times when I have nowhere to turn, I chant and I release my control to fate. It is at those times I feel the most in tune with myself and my future. I am no longer requesting something for myself, but letting fate carry me to where I need to be.

I chant about ten minutes to an hour a day still. I know I have not been keeping up with my blog, I'm sorry, but currently I have two jobs. I am working as an intern at a software company, like I stated in my last blog, and as an intern at a music marketing company. Also, I am managing my friends ads and gigs in Hawaii. After all of that, I just started with a trainer. I'm very excited about this. I've gained a lot of weight since I moved to the mainland. My dad said it was stress. I guess it was, but now I am back on track. I am working out five times a week and minding my carbs. For a while, I cut out the meat, because I objected to the treatment of animals. However, I have slowly incorporated it back into my diet. I still only eat organic, grain fed, free range meat. Expensive. I know. But if I can't afford it I just will go back to tofu. I prefer it anyway.

I hope my post finds all you readers in good health. As always, please let me know if you want me to include you in my nightly chanting.

Finally found a job.

2008-09-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

After searching for months and logging in many hours of daimoku I finally found a job. I have to say, though, that this job may be just what I've been looking for. I know, I'm sorry again everyone I have not been keeping up with this blog as I should, but I reached that place of unemployed depression that has been driving me nuts.

I have decided to try my hand at advertising. In college I had wanted to go into advertising, but did not think I would be able to break into it so I went to law school. Three years down the line, my interest and desire won out. I wanted to find a position that would use my creative ability and allow me to be my own person. How would I find such a position?

What I reminded myself multiple times for the past few months is that there is a plan for me. If I chanted faithfully, I would find it. I am starting an internship in software marketing soon and I am very excited about it. I will let you all know how it is going. Now that i dont have to spend every waking moment searching for a job and, instead, every waking moment worrying about doing well at my job, I will have more time to blog about the complexities of advertising and how chanting will help me overcome the adversity.

Thoughts on waiting for a job

2008-08-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

I'm waiting to pass my bar and while i'm waiting I've been really sad. I have been crying almost every day. There was an instance that I made a mistake. I made a bit of a fool of myself and I'm hoping it does not impact my professional life. I am chanting that things will be okay. Haha. this journal appears to be me whining. I'm sorry everyone.

I chant that the people I love will not be disappointed if I decide not to become a lawyer or if I am unable to pass the bar.

I chant that I can inspire others. I am currently trying to find myself. After law school, I fell hard into a helpless feeling. I have placed many applications out, but am unable to find a job.

I admit I have not been chanting as much as I should and that has probably been my problem. Mits told me that her father tried an experiment. chanting for three months vs. not chanting and he noticed a distinct difference. I willl start chanting from now on. I have had my experiment also and find that my life is better when I chant. My life runs smoother.

I will stop feeling helpess and hopeless an i will once again be diligent in my chanting. I will try to be an inspiration to others and my journey of hope will re-begin

Sorry everyone

2008-07-03T14:19:00.000-07:00

I know i should be a little better keeping up with the journal, but at this moment I'm more than a little stresed. The bar exam is in 19 days and I just dont feel ready. i feel like i'm breaking under the pressure. I've been chanting to do well, but not as much as I should.

Because i am so stressed out, however, i have not been able to really focus. Which leads to procrastination and hiding out amongst the websites. *sigh*. Sometimes i wonder if I want to be a lawyer. I am not sure if I have what it takes. My heart is just not in it anymore. Where is my heart you may wonder? I dont know.

I want to be successful, but not in the monetary sense. That would be helpful, but I really want to help people. My passion has always been women studies. I am wondering if I should start working as a lawyer (if i pass my bar) and save up money to go into a PHD program for women's studies. Three more years of studying, but if that is where your heart is why deny it? I could see myself writing dissertations on the modern day trends of feminism and the problems created by the sexual revolution. It seems the more women push for sexual freedom, the more it backfires. Men become resentful that their "strength" is taken away and they start using it against us.

This is not a conversation for my journal. I am happy though. I have found the perfect man. Every day I chant gratefully he does not conform to the mass population of men out there who seek to use and abuse women. It makes me sad, however, when those men continue to use and abuse other women though. i may be out of it, but they are not. I would like to be a counselor or a self help writer. I may not have been through as much as others, but I have been through enough and have spoken to enough people to know that life is not as easy as it appears. Every now and then you need a friend or a shoulder to cry on and, sometimes, people can't find that. They are so lost and alone that they do not have the ability to reach out and ask for the help they need. I wish there was something i could do to help those people in that time of need.

I continue to chant that people who need it most will have their prayers answered. that those who need friends will find them and that those who need help will find it. Peace needs to come from within. You can't have a society of peace without the people in society finding their inner peace first.

Chanting....again

2008-06-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

I walked into the Kaikan and immediately started crying. I chanted and cried for ten minutes and felt an enormous weight lifted off me. Then, I just chanted. I chanted that everything will turn out well. I know it will. I have faith that everything will turn out the way it is supposed to.

All the problems of the past year and the stress of the bar exam are overwhelming. I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm happier than ever relationship wise, but career wise, i am lost. Why is it always this way? Why am i always lost when it comes to these things?

Why is it always one thing or another? I just dont know. I chant that everyone reading this is in good health and happy; that things which may not be going well for you right now will be better. In time, with chanting, all things will be better even if it does not seem like it right now.

Bar exam

2008-06-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

Studying for the bar exam is hardwork. especially when you are freaking out about other things.

I am chanting to pass the bar exam. I know my chanting has lapsed periodically but I've been mad busy. I will chant harder I really want to pass. Not so much because i want to be a lawyer. because I really dont, but because I want to have a happy ending to this story people can read and say all right then. Haha.

How are you all doing out there? i am sorry I haven't kept up with this journal, but with graduating from law school and studying for the bar I've been going crazy. I promise to write in this journal at least once a week from now on. Okay? Well hope everyone is doing well. if you need any prayers please post a comment and while i am chanting I will keep you in them

Three more to go

2008-05-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

So, I'm a little lost right now. I'm not really sure where my life is going and I don't really know what I want to do. I'm a little scared, I guess. I dont think I want to go into law anymore. It is a good profession and it is intellectually challenging, but I don't really think it is for me. I have three more grades to go. So far, I have not done that great, but at least i didn't do too badly. Like fail. So, all in all, I'm guessing it is not too bad. Yay! Thank you for your support everyone. I am still chanting that my last three grades are good, but we will see. I am almost through this guys! Thank you for reading my journal and sharing in my journey

chanting to pass- plea for prayers

2008-05-07T13:04:00.000-07:00

It is right before my third exam, but I am still worried about my first one. Right now, I am just chanting that I passed that first test. I just want a C or better in all my classes! Please chant for me to be successful in my exams. It has been an extremely difficult journey throughout lawschool and finishing up on time will be a miracle.

Right now, I am going to start my exam. I am sitting in the exam room typing this, but I did not want everyone to think I forgot about you all. I hope that my entries help to inspire you. I know that in some cases, people have searched for chanting for exams, chanting for relationships, etc. In the archives of my journal you will find my journey to be where i am now. It is an ongoing journey and is not, by far, done, but you will see that with every hard time in life there is some good that comes out of it. THere is always a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak and my life and this journal is proof of that. It will help for those who are beginniing chanting to start at the beginning of my journal to understood where I was and to see how far I've come through chanting. Indeed, my life has changed in ways I could not have imagined. Such is the power of Nam Myoho Renge Kyo.

Again, let me know if you want to be included in my daily chanting prayers.

exams and bar

2008-04-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

Exams are coming up. I'm so worried about them. I hope I pass. I have been chanting to the gohonzon that I will be able to retain the information I study and that it will flow like water on to the page accurately, intelligently and coherently.

I am also worried about my bar. That what happened in my past does not affect my ability to pass my bar. I spoke to a couple of people. They said that it would not be a problem. We'll see. Please chant for me everyone that i pass july 2008 washington bar. It is really important to me. I just need extra strength to do this. If I do pass my bar, it will show true victory in my life and hopefully others will be inspired through my struggles that they will also reach their goals.

Chanting helps me focus and it has helped me see that challenges are little tests which are meant to help us. Nothing is ever put in front of us that we cannot achieve.

For my relationship, well, I think everything is working out quite well. I wont be seeing him for two weeks, but it will help me because i will have more time to study; that is the most important thing. I miss him when he's not with me but at least I have something to look forward to. I could not imagine life without him. Honestly, he is everything i have ever wanted and more. I said something yesterday to him that I was more than a little serious about, but I think he thought I was joking. ah well, it doesn't matter. Right now, the only thing I am really worried about is exams and I'm just really happy with him. The only problem I see, however, is that I miss him so much when he's away. I have that I can't see him all the time. He's the light in my life that inspires me to be a better person. How many times can you say that about a person?

I want to find a nice place to sit down and chant. Maybe I will sit in the forest outside or i'll chant while I run. I like to chant while I drive. Its relaxing. often times I dont use the radio. Lately, when I drive my sweetie's car I listen to the radio but I prefer to just chant. Here are the things I am chanting for currently. I will let you know how it turns out:

1. I will retain all information I study for my finals

2. The information will flow out like water onto the paper correctly, precisely, and coherently

3. Get A’s and B’s for spring 2008

4. Pass the July 2008 Washington Bar

5. Get a good job in seattle that pays well and helps others.

HaHave a happy, healthy relationship

6. Lose 30 lbs by september.

8. Stay healthy

9. Run a marathon

10. Kosen rufu

11. Continue inspiring others with my experiences

12. Pay off my student loan debt by 2010.

LDRs are hard...

2008-04-21T20:27:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been having a really hard time. I have not been having any doubts, but have been really sad lately. I've been feeling really alone. I don't know how other people do this. I treasure the moments when we are together and I look forward to those nights where I wake up and, while he's still sleeping, listen to the light breathing and rejoice in the warmth of him next to me. It's not a sexual feeling I get when he's next to me (although there is that), no its more intimate than that. Its that I want to share everything I am, my entire sense of self and being, with him.

I rejoice in the knowledge that he's there for me and actually listens to what I have to say. It is hard when he's away from me. So, so hard because it feels like I'm incomplete. Ah. I dont know. I know people have it harder than i do. I am happy that he's in my life and his presence, even when he is 200 miles away, is a constant comfort. I don't want to rush things. I know the distance is a perfect way of keeping things at a steady pace, but how long must we keep this steady pace? I see him more often than some women do who live int he same cities with their man! i definitely get more quality time with him even if it is just on the phone.

I am going to quit whining, but I am chanting, right now, for a remedy to this problem. I am chanting for an answer. I am grateful and I chant gratefully that i have met him, that he is in my life now, and that he gives me butterflies every time I think about him, but I am chanting that this distance will not be for long period of time. That, soon, we will be able to be together in the same state.

A little stressed but still going....

2008-04-14T21:01:00.000-07:00

So, everything is going very well for me. I have to say, even though I am a little stressed because I have not been diligently keeping up with my studies, I am happier than I have ever been. I can attribute that to faith.

Whenever I decide that I am going to leave my future up to fate everything has gone well. is it because at the time when you are most upset and the most distressed, you are the most sincere? I find that those are the times when I am. Chanting in sincerity is one of the most important things I think a person can do.
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It is when i am the most down, the most defeated, that i leave my life in the hands of fate. I am not quite sure I will meet all the goals I made last year, but I will say that it doesn't matter to me.

I have met someone who is so special and perfect for me that I could not have asked for anyone better. and I knew it almost immediately. I just did not tell him so.

But, now that he is in my life, I could not imagine my life without him. His presence is so soothing to me and his thoughts and words are so comforting. Even when I am upset, I am happy. I wrote a hundred list. Mits told me to last year. i wrote down a hundred and fifty qualities I wanted in a person. The list reads like i wrote it about him; even the qualities I didn't write down because I was too embarrassed to ask for them are there.

I am going to stop analyzing the situation and just go with the flow. "chill" as he says and, for once, I can. I can "chill" because I am not worried about what is going to happen down the line. I know it'll work out. For some reason, when he is around, I feel absolutely complete.

Thinking things through

2008-04-08T14:56:00.001-07:00

I'm so confused. I don't want to write too much about it here, but, I will share how I'm confused and how it relates to chanting.

I am chanting for clarity; an answer to a situation because, right now, I'm quite lost. Once again, I find myself stuck at a crossroads.

I guess, I will just work on myself and my career because, I think, that is easy and it is something I can fix. Everything else is secondary, because I have no control over it, but I will chant that things will come together eventually.

Every day provides new challenges...

2008-04-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

Every day provides new challenges. When life provides you with a problem should you a) run away b) give up or c) take it head on? Before, I would sit back and cry and say this sucks I can't go on. But, now that I have started chanting, I look on this as a challenge. I see this problem that I have in my professional life as a wake up call. The problem isn't a problem. They like me personally, just dont think I have put in as much effort as I should. Fine, they are right. I have not. BUT, I am not going to take this criticism and give up. I will take this criticism as a way of helping me get to where I want to be. There is still time to fix things. There is still time to put in that effort and change things around and put my whole heart into it. There is still that time to "wow" them.

I accept the challenge that has been presented to me. Not because it is expected of me by anyone else, but because I expect it of myself. I need to prove this to myself. That I can do this. I wont waste any more time on this matter. I have chanted to have a good job. The gauntlet has been thrown down. The obstacle course has begun and the competitors, who have been training harder than me, have already started off. Sure, I could throw my hands up, but, honestly, how could I do anything but accept?

Where do I go from here?

2008-04-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

I've been chanting. A lot. Sometimes, there are days when I'm really lonely. Really, really, sad. I don't know why. I'm happy. I am. I think? It is hard. Super hard when the person you love is far away. Only three hours, sure, but when you are used to having someone around. It's difficult. I always wanted my space. Actually, I demanded it. I chanted for it. Be very careful what you chant for, you just might get it.

I need this space, this time, however, to grow. I understand this. I need to grow on my own. Be strong for myself, not for anyone else. I'm lucky. I'm not alone. I have people who will stand by my decisions right or wrong. They may float away at times, but when I need them they're there. Well, most of them. One of my best friends has disappeared. We had a disagreement about something I thought was stupid, but, obviously, she didn't think so. Not really. She refuses to talk to me. I will chant on this. I have stood by her through everything. So many things and she would stop talking to me for a stupid reason like this? Mits was right, however, the gohonzon takes away those that will hurt you in the end. I never, never thought that would happen with her. We'll see. Maybe we just need a break.

I hate losing friends, especially over stupid reasons. I hate it when there is nothing I can do to fix it and that the reason we stopped talking wasn't my fault, but a misunderstanding. I wish her well. I do. Eventually, I think she'll miss me and realize this was a problem. Or maybe not. Whichever way, however, I hope everything works out for her. She deserves the best in life and I hope that eventually she will find what she is looking for.

I've been scared lately. Super scared. I know I should keep on chanting. Remind myself that this will pass. As we get to know each other and understand each other more, things will be easier. I am myself with him. But, sometimes, i feel he holds back. Its okay. Eventually, though, I hope he'll be able to be as open with me as I am with him.

Relationships are like shoes: you have to break them in. At first, they squeak and give you blisters. But, later, they become comfortable and you think how could I have gone so long with having this in my life? sometimes, you realize that the comfortable shoes ar,e not good for you. And, maybe, you will move on, but you will always miss your shoe and how comfortable it felt at its peak. Maybe, you will reminisce about it and think about the period of newness. Other times, however, you will find shoes that will last you a lifetime. The type that you can fix and wear forever. That special shoe where its worth it to put in the extra money and care (or in relationships time, effort, and love) in order to ensure that it will last you forever.

Breaking in the new shoes, though, that is a pain in the butt, and you have to use them for miles and miles before you get them to just the way you like it. But you can't rush the breaking in process because the more you do the more blisters you get. Therefore, I chant to be patient. To enjoy this as it is now. Of course, as you know, i'm not chanting for comfortable shoes (although those would be nice!!). I chant to be patient now. Learn from these experiences of newness we have together. To enjoy this period of newness so we can look back on it later and laugh about it and reminisce about the blisters we had in the beginning. I hope, sincerely hope, that I have found that special shoe.

I agree

2008-03-21T02:29:00.001-07:00

You know that high you get after you have just had a really good conversation? The type that you have to sit and think about for awhile as soon as possible just to make sure you have rethought and analyzed everything talked about? Yep. That type of convo.

I'm happy. I'm super happy that I know what's going on and where we're at. Honestly, thats all I really wanted. There was some good advice given. Advice that I will consider because it will help me in the long run. Its not advice, however, that I have not heard before. My dad tells me the same thing all the time. Be careful. watch what you say and who you open up to. Once you say something it can never be taken back. Be careful who you trust. The advice is very true.

Things can't be taken back and there have been some instances where I have thought, "Oh, boy. Why did I say that?" At the same time, its something I really needed to share. I'm opinionated, blunt, and open about my feelings. Oops.

I can be closed sometimes. Remember when I was like that, Mits? But my nature has always been to be super open with everyone. I think it comes from my grandmother. Its nice, though, to have a voice of reason; a voice which says Hey, maybe you should think twice about that.

My dad has always been that for my mother; my grandfather like that for my grandmother (now that he's not here she's crazy); Janna like that for my brother. Do you see a pattern? Maybe its a gene carried down through our family from my grandmother's side. Yep, I think so. My aunt, my mother's sister, is a mix of my grandfather and grandmother. That's the one you gotta watch out for.

I'll find my balance eventually. I'm chanting that I will be able to find a happy medium; to learn how to get people to "earn" my trust. I'm not sure how to do that though. I just... blindly trust.

I just don't want to make a mistake again. I dont want to not trust someone and be skeptical about them. I want to trust them first and then revoke that trust if i find that they have betrayed it. Until they betray my trust, however, why should I make someone earn it? Is it better to freely trust? Or does that make my trust worthless because everyone has it? Is it better to be skeptical? Will people think, hey, that girl trusts me, i must mean a lot.

Humm... thinking about it that way, i have to say, its easy for me to trust you, but for you to remain in my circle of trust is difficult. I kick people out all the time. I may give you the advantage in the beginning, but don't be fooled, I trust, yes, but that does not mean that I don't have a problem revoking that trust. I guess, its sort of like innocent before proven guilty. I really can relate to that. why condemn someone before they've even proven themselves guilty? why assume that someone will betray my trust and use it against me if I dont know them? can't I assume that they won't betray my trust and then revoke that trust once they do use it against me?

Sure, it hurts me when those people betray my trust, but the rewards are so much greater. If you are constantly skeptical and cautious of people they will do the same to you. if you are willing to accept them with an open heart then the same will apply. These are things I need to think about, but, yes, I agree, it can be a very painful road.

I will chant for the right path; to understand which path is best, or to create a new one that's right down the middle.

sigh

2008-03-20T19:13:00.001-07:00

I know this is a chanting journal, but I am also Christian, so, I am posting a simple Christian prayer, if you feel like you will be offended by it please do not read any further. In fact, here is a picture to block the quote

Lord, please give me the patience and strength to change the things I can change and accept the things that I can't.

I'm chanting, and praying, for patience and strength. In time, everything will be revealed; I just need the patience and strength to get there.

Turning it down

2008-03-20T11:34:00.001-07:00

I turned down the offer but asked them to please consider me for the other office. They said they would if they did not find any competent attorneys, but the position was an immediate position. so they really were not interested in students at the moment. Ah, well. Its okay.

Lately, I have been feeling like I have been saying the wrong things. I guess. I'm worried that I am being too pushy with this. Although he constantly tells me that he loves my openness I do not want to inundate him with feelings. hahaha.

here is a quote that I totally agree with.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. -Dr. Seuss

hmmm... I want to tell him everything. I want to share everything with him both happy and not so happy. I want to do these things because he understands me. There aren't a lot of people who do. Not really. not everything about me, but, I think, he does! And that makes me excited. I'm so happy I chant gratefully that I have met someone who understands and accepts me

I am chanting, also, however, that I find a balance. That I do not come across as pushy and overly needy because I'm not. The problem is, when I think that I am being overly push yand needy I start pulling away which is really bad. My problem is, I'm just SO happy that I found someone who finally understands and who I can talk to about everything and who I can see talking to/sitting with/hangout out with forever and never getting bored that i want to tell him all of this, but I dont want to seem crazy.

Yah, I need to find that balance of sharing all these things with him but not coming across as overly dependent. I'll chant for this balance. I'm just going to follow the advice of Dr. Seuss. He seems to be a very wise man.

Everything will work out the way it should. I have total faith that things happen for a reason and with every question and trial there is an answer and a learning experience.

Position

2008-03-19T17:15:00.000-07:00

I applied to a position which I was very interested in. However, I applied to the position in one area, but was invited for an interview to apply to a position 3 hours away. This still does not get me to where I want to be. It is, by all means, A GREAT OPPORTUNITY. Definitely something I would be very interested in. In fact, it is EVERYTHING that I am interested. Civil rights, immigration, constitutional law, employment, and criminal defense? Wow. AND its a public organization. I can't thing of a better way to spend my time.

The problem, however, is that it would be in the middle of nowhere. Now, i dont know the state very well and I am a little scared about this. I only have today and tomorrow to decide if I want to take this interview. Should I say I am sorry, I applied for the position in this one area because I need to be there? The only real way I can say that is if there is something to tie me to the place I want to be at and i don't really have that. saying hey, no, I can't move to the other place because I just wanna be in the other place. If I said I am moving to to this place specifically to work with this project then shouldn't it be okay for me to go to the place they want me to be at?

My heart pulls me one place. My passion pulls me in another. What do I do now? I will chant for help and a conclusion to this situation. Honestly, this has just put a huge kink in my plans.

One more goal down

2008-03-18T17:53:00.000-07:00

He found someone. I'm so happy for him. He text messaged me to let me know that he has a new love interest. A girl who lives far away but makes him really happy. I'm so excited about this. My prayers are slowly being answered.

All I wanted was for him to be happy. So, she lives in far away, but with time and patience I am sure he could make it work. This is perfect. I pray that he learns patience. That he realizes no matter what happens with this girl, he will still be okay. That, if she is his soulmate, they will be happy together.

Fate and the world work in mysterious ways. I am currently trying to learn this. To take my time and enjoy watching as things unfold. For me, I have never been very good at this. I have a hard time waiting. I especially do not like the unknown. I know I should just chant harder about this because in the unknown lies the greatest gifts of all. Anything worth having is worth waiting for.

During those periods of time where you are uncertain are the periods where your true nature comes out and you get to know yourself intimately. I'm trying to understand this. I'm trying to understand that through waiting and patience I will appreciate the good times all the more. Ah. Yes, I need to chant harder for patience and understanding. I also chant for a balance between my mind and my heart. Being ruled by your heart may get you into trouble. Chanting to be able to think things through will help me immensely.

Reaffirmation of goals

2008-03-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

I have come to realize that i have been putting a lot of things off. This past month has been a whirlwind. I met a person so amazing I feel like I'm in a constant dream state when I'm with him. I have never met anyone so absolutely.... amazing.

Because I met him, however, a lot of things have been falling by the wayside 1) my chanting; 2) my gym time 3) my school and work work; and 4) my family time. Although I want to spend all my time with him, I know I have responsibilities. Sure, he and I have been talking about this. That we need to be responsible and we need to start getting back to our daily structured lives, but it didn't really hit me until I went running this morning. I realized, I miss running. I miss just having time to sit and pick myself apart and figuring out which things I need to make better about myself.

It would be a lot easier if we lived in the same state. Then, we could just see each other every day and do these things together. But, that is not how it worked out and I am struggling through it. See, as is, we do not have a lot of time to begin with he works and I have full time school. Easy right? Add in to that the fact that we like to talk to each other a lot and it does not leave any time for anything else. Therefore, I am chanting for more time. Or at least to be able to work these things out as they are supposed to be. I am so grateful that everything worked out the way it did. I mean, the timing had to be perfect, in order for him and me to meet and get together. Everything had to fall into exactly the right places at the right time. I am quite sure that there was help in arranging all of that to end up so well. Because without the perfect timing and place we would not have met at all and we would have slipped right by each other.

I am not scared of the future anymore. I am quite happy about it actually. I am happy that he's in it, but I am also excited about my career and my dreams coming to fruition. However, I do need help with those dreams. i would still like to work with a women's group writing legislation for women's issues (i.e., domestic violence, sexual assault, equal pay, maternity leave etc. ). It woudl nice to be able to write commentaries on women in american culture. There are so many things i could do with that subject. I love to read and i love to write and i love to discuss women's issues. Therefore, it might be a good idea to write a book about all of it once i get my law degree. Hmm... yes, that is an option. So, I know I wrote new goals a month ago, but i feel like a change is in order. Here are the things I am now chanting for.

1) to find my path, the one to take where I will have the most impact on my community.
2) to find a job in women's issues. Hopefully, working witht he Northwest Women's Justice Center, possibly teaching Women's Studies, writing a commentary in Women and the law, or all three.
3) to find structure in my life; to find time to accomplish all the things I need to.
4) to enhance my relationship with the person I am with by being open and sharing everything with him and him with me.
5) to start going to the gym more often and just be physically fit and happy.

Once again, if anyone has anything they want me to chant for please let me know I will add them to my list.

Ah well, at least it worked out

2008-03-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

I feel like my life is not really mine. Seriously, there are so many areas of my life that I have no control over. For instance, even my emails are influenced by my mother. That almost lost me someone I was very interested in. I find I dont take advice very well. In fact, i try not to take it at all when it means "changing" me.

Again, chanting seriously protected me from losing out on something that could have been one of my most important decisions so far. Things will work out, right? I just... seriously, I just want to share everything with him and, I have. thre is no way i would ever be able to keep anything important from him. ah. My thoughts are getting away from me.

Slow and controlled. I guess I do have something I regret and that is writing that email a couple of weeks ago, but it ended up okay in the end. what is a relationship without a little bit of chase? I dont like it though. i dont like playing games. if I'm interested I will be up front about it just as i expect people to be up front with me. I guess that is one of the most appealing things for me. someone who is ablde to understand that I just need to share my thoughts. I geuss I can be a stereotypical girl when it comes to that type of thing. And I do everything wrong, but... yah.
*sigh*. waiting is so hard. I chant for patience and to be able to understand that this is actually good forme. it teaches me patience and helps us get to know each other better. but this is seriously so hard. I dont want to have to do this anymore. Ah well, anything important is worth waiting for and I have a feeling I would wait almost forever if that is what it took.

I need to get out of my house. its not that i dont love my parents. Its just that i need to be my own person. i guess my mother doesnt understand that. I really like to have my own life. I geuss I just got so used to having my own life that it is hard to have a restricted freedom. Yah. I guess so. I dont mind her trying to help, but I 've moved on and listening to her all the time makes me sad. Its nothing about her or the other person it just makes me sad in general. I just need to have time for myself without her meddling some times. i know that people mean well sometimes when they give advice, but i find when i take advice it usually ends up pretty badly. Yah, it does.

I'm impulsive and i go with how I feel and usually dont stop to reason about what might happen later down the line. this is probably not a good idea but its what i do. Luckily for me, the gohonzon protects me from totally going off the deep end. I just need to make more time to chant and go to the gym. I think, when i do that, everything will turn out as they are supposed to be.

Finding a comfort zone

2008-03-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

I am so content/happy/excited right now. Chanting has seriously helped me to become a better person and to role with the punches. But, also, it has helped me realize that I am fine just the way I am.

not only has chanting helped me find myself, but it has also helped me find a person who accepts me for me. Flaws and all. It is a really nice feeling. Everyone has always wanted to change me. change the way i am, but now, there is no reason for me to.

I won a poetry contest. I am seriously thinking that maybe my life is changing. Maybe, I want to write. I have always thought of a writing career to be unreachable, but maybe, just maybe it is something I can actually pursue. We'll see. I may actually just go for it.

Insecurities

2008-03-07T12:51:00.000-08:00

Ah, why do I do this to myself? Why do I feel the need to share the deepest most important and hardest parts of my life immediately? I know I should wait. Wait to do these things. Life is like a chess game. That's what my dad always tell me. Think two steps ahead. Stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your head.

I've never been like that. Can't be. My whole life is ruled by my heart. Sometimes, as now, it causes insecurities that I have a hard time with. Its no longer a problem. According to everyone I've spoken to, the policy is dont ask dont tell, but, for me. I dunno. I can't do that. I am so honest. If I'm not, it'll drive me slowly crazy and the idea of not being honest will hurt me more than if everything turned out wrong.

My aunt, a psychiatrist, told me I have OCD. Sort of. whereas most people are cleanly or workaholics, my ocd is about honesty. I NEED to be honest. And, if I'm not, it'll slowly drive me crazy.

I chant for the best outcome to this situation. So, I didn't play it like a chess game. So I'm not very good at making a calculated decision, but that is ME. Hopefully, I can be respected for that. Maybe I dont always make the right decisions. Maybe I dont always say the right things at the right times at the perfect moment. Maybe I let my heart rule my life and I am so overly interested in being honest, but thats just me and I continue to chant that, eventually, the people I love will respect that.

Giddy

2008-03-06T14:57:00.000-08:00

Through chanting and a little bit of luck, I have found someone who just makes me giddy.

There are some people you meet that you just click with. I'm excited to have found someone amazing; a person I can honestly say I look forward to seeing/talking to. Even though we have some different views, I look forward to listening to him about these views because I can learn from them and think about it. I just love the fact that I have so much to learn from him and I find myself entranced every time he speaks about something I don't know about.

I am so excited that I think I found someone who I can see becoming one of my best friends, but also someone who I have a lot of chemistry with. Not only this, but I think I'm falling pretty hard. Ouch. I'm a little scared by this. I will chant on it. Why am I scared? I don't know. Maybe because its been less than 3 weeks, but I feel like I've known him forever and have found where I belong. It doesn't make sense at all to me, but I am just so happy that I just don't care.

Well, there it is. I have laid all my cards on the table. I will continue to chant to find my path, but, hopefully, I have found someone to share the path with me.

To hell with it

2008-03-05T17:06:00.001-08:00

I'm opening this journal back up.

Hummm... So this is quite problematic

2008-03-05T16:51:00.001-08:00

This is my chanting journal, a journal i share indiscriminately. Having my journal closed off makes me sad. Knowing that i am unable to share with people the happiest times in my life is tough. I have shared all those hard times, shouldn't people also see the good ones?

I'm not going to judge, scream, cry, or yell. What I am going to do, however, is wish him luck. I have realized that in order to be truly happy you have to be happy with yourself. Sure, there are things I want to improve about myself, but that doesn't mean Im not happy being me.

One of my best friends just broke up with her long time boyfriend. I wish i were there to comfort her. To tell her that this too shall pass. Interestingly enough, a lot of people have been telling me that lately. Kitty, this too shall pass. They have. I will tell her the same thing too. If he doesn't appreciate you, treat you the way you deserve, or even just give you the base amount of respect, then its time to leave. a relationship should be based on respect, appreciation, communication, and love. Lose one and its all over. she deserves better. I full heartedly believe she does. Is that what people saw when they used to see me?

The first step has been taken, albeit begrudgingly, and painfully. But with each step, through faith in yourself and something larger than you are, it will hurt less and less. Until, finally, the weight will be lifted and you will be free. Free to enjoy those around you and appreciate it when someone finally understands you.

I'm not preaching. Won't. Have no right to, actually. Take everything I write as pure speculation. Purely just thoughts which are going through my head that i have not held back or edited. I dont expect anything. Honestly, I just want to enjoy life, exploring and learning, but it is really nice to have someone to share those experiences with.

So excited.

2008-03-04T16:02:00.000-08:00

My life has been going really well. Working through the BS of the past year has really made me a better person. Honestly, i could not be in a better place. In some instances, I thought i would not be able to get through it. Actually, in a lot of periods of time throughout this past year, I felt like I was falling and could not crawl my way out. i would watch as my friends would find people they were happy with, who understood them, who made them happy and i would be jealous because i wished that was something i could have, but would always be outside my reach.

Knowing that my own life had been so turbulent, I had thought I deserved to be in a relationship which was not happy. If I could make someone else happy, who cared if i myself was?

Last year, in December, I started chanting and my perspective changed. Sure, I cried a lot. I was looking for a way out of a bad situation, but believed I could never get out of it. We had been together so long, I owed it to him to stay. However, soon, I realized that it was not working. So, I made some goals in my chanting journal, goals that you will be able to see in the beginning of my journal. ( I have changed them slightly, I dont expect to be engaged or anything, just want to have someone that will treat me well).

life will give you twists and turns, but chanting will help guide you to a better place. Faith and believing that with every bad experience, I could learn from it and get better, has helped me so much.

Finally, finally, I've found what it means to be happy. Its enjoying the times that you have with someone, but also, enjoying those times you are by yourself. Happiness is being secure with yourself and your partner, knowing that they are not judging you and you are not judging them. To be yourself,and have someone appreciate you for it, is the best gift of all. I'm so grateful that I can finally understand this.

Things I'm SO grateful for

2008-02-28T14:24:00.001-08:00

1. my family
2. my friends
3. my freedom
4. my faith
5. constant support
6. my education
7. my ambition
8. my pets
9. a special someone
10. the ability to laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chanting works in amazing ways. Lately, I've been slacking on my chanting. This is not a good idea because i really need to have that time to reflect and concentrate on the things that I really want. My life is changing and so are my goals, but my fundamental values have always stayed the same: keep in touch with friends, laugh whenever you can, hold on to your family and values,and have fun at all times.

I'm excited for what the future holds for me. I have never felt so free and happy. sure, things will not always go so well, but right now, life couldn't be more perfect. (unless, say, i was in the same state as that special someone). But, you know, its actually better this way because it forces me to get to know him very well and trust him.

I am in a lot better place, now, than I was last year and I think its because I've finally realized, through chanting, that if you have faith everything will work out exactly as it should. There have been so many factors that had to go into play to getting me to where i am now. so many reasons for me to have given up, but I struggled on.

Struggles and adversity will place itself in your path, but its the way you overcome those that will help you learn to be a better person. Yah, I can honestly say, I'm super happy right now.

future?

2008-02-26T15:13:00.001-08:00

I'm not quite sure what my future is holding right now. Lately, I haven't been chanting as much as i usually do. Life gets in the way. Also, I've been spending a lot of time talking to someone. Hum. I've gotta stop that and get my life back on track. Although it is very nice to be able to talk to someone for hours on end and not run out of things to say, it is not good when you start shunning your responsibilities. * ahem*.

Chanting for a solution

2008-02-21T12:23:00.000-08:00

My ex is crazy. seriously. He hacked into my facebook account and changed my settings to "engaged". now, this normally would not be a problem BUT thats pretty messed up. he's had time to grieve. For me, it feels like forever. What gives?

Now, I'm not really worried about this. honestly, the only thing I'm kind of worried about is that he is going to drive away the person i'm currently with. If he does that, heaven help him when I rip into him. i tried this the easy way. The nice way. However, it has come to pass that there is no easy way and he is not, as usual, listening to me anyway.

I have to say, I am really lucky and blessed that 1) the person i am seeing is very understanding; 2) I have a good head on my shoulders and by chanting I am keeping calm; 3) I have the best friends in the world; and 4) there is NO WAY he will end up living here.

So, here is what i am chanting for 1) I will remain strong; 2) I will be calm and collected; 3) I will be able see my special someone this weekend because its been a hard week and, hey, i just miss him; and 4) my ex will find happiness and contentment in himself. He will understand that there are many reasons for him to be happy and he will find self esteem. I will chant for the best outcome for him b/c, even though we were not happy together, he deserves to be happy with soemone else.

I am happy and I refuse to let this problem impede on this. The only way that things will get better if he finds, withim himself, that he can be happy too. that he does not need me to make him happy, he just is. if you have any extra time, please chant for him with me.

All's well does not end well

2008-02-20T19:27:00.001-08:00

How to get everything you want from chanting....

2008-02-19T14:12:00.000-08:00

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is one of my favorite poems and, at this point in my life, I can finally understand it. You will always have choices. Choices cannot be decided as "right" or "wrong" they just are. The choices you make in life will guide you to be the person you will eventually become. I do not regret my choices. I celebrate the ones that went wrong because with those I have learned what I really want. One thing I always remind myself is that the harder the challenges the better the success.

I decided I would take the uncomfortable route. Put myself out there. Leave my comfort zone of 4 years and try to find someone who was compatible with me. I started chanting for this 1 month before i received by gohonzon which was almost a year and 2 months ago.

The signs were there, but I missed them. The sign that we were not happy and needed to move along, but I did not heed them. However, through faith and chanting, something happened. I realized that things were not well. I was not happy and, after scrutinizing myself in the worst way, I realized that it wasn't that I just stopped trying, I mentally checked out of my own life. When I realized this, I immediately started chanting for a way to fix things. Help me find a way to make things right without the both of us being too hurt. That time came a little after christmas when I returned home to hawaii and hung out with one of my hanai sisters. I realized I was happy by myself. I had found me.

We had always planned a road trip after i graduated from law school. Just the girls. But I couldn't do this because I wasn't allowed. In looking at these things I realized i wasn't in the right place. so, I chanted for a cause. a way to fix the relationship if he was the partner i was supposed to be with or a way to leave the relationship without hurting him.

There is never a good way to leave a relationship. Especially one that lasted almost 4 years. However, I did. I loved him, will always in some way feel a sense of responsibility for him and will always think of him fondly because for a while we really were in love, but at the same time I need to make myself happy and living a life where all you can do is hope that things will get better, but know they never will, is never a good thing.

After I realized this, I started tentatively looking at what might be out there (at the urging of my best friends and family). I really wasn't searching searching, I mean whats the rush right? the relationships of the past helped me to realize what I wanted for the relationship of my future. With hope, faith and curiosity of what was out there, I found someone I am very interested in. Right now, I'm excited at the prospect of finally being able to talk to someone again, to be able to laugh, and to have a person that is interested in the same things I am. The chemistry is great too. In a way, I am scared at how quickly I started liking him, but why be scared? Thing is, this time, I will take my time and enjoy the ride. Enjoy finally being me again and having someone enjoy me for me. Do I expect anything? I dont know, but I'm not worried about it right now, because I have faith that I will find my path and, finally, for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful, not fearful, of my future.

crossroads

2008-02-09T00:40:00.001-08:00

I'm at a crossroads right now. Wondering what path i should take. The first path, will be comfortable but will I be happy? The second path, is strange to me and I'm not sure it will bring me happiness either. I am chanting for the best outcome to the situation. I am working hard towards my goals, but, right now, i need guidance in life (i.e., not just my career). I know answers are not always clear, but I was told if i ask for a clear answer the gohonzon will respond to the daimoku. also, i was told that chantingwhich are coming from the heart are answered quickly because it is that chanting that is the most sincere. I'm confused, scared, and even a little sad, but I am optimistic that through my chanting and faith I will pull through. the best outcome has yet to reveal itself, or maybe it has and I haven't been listening, but from now on I will try to chant sincerely and fully for the best and i will let you know how it goes from there.

Finally, if there is anyone that wants to be placed into my list of things to chant for please let me know. I will chant for you too.

Chinese new year!

2008-02-08T20:26:00.001-08:00

Happy belated chinese new year everyone! For us, it was alittle bittersweet. My aunt died on tuesday. I really did love her. I guess it takes me a little while for everything to sink in. My dad told my mom not to tell me because i dont take death very well. Honestly, I dont. I've lost way too many people in my short life. Not as many as some, but enough to make me fear death. when I was younger, I didn't. the quickest way to be with my grandfather and kevin would have been the quick and easy way out and I pushed myself to those limits to sometimes where, looking back, i was able to get out alive. I was protected. Even then. For what, I'm not sure, but whatever it is i was protected for I sincerely hope that i am able to achieve it. I want to help and inspire those in need. sometimes, life isn't as simple as it seems and you are going to lose those people that are the closest to you. Luckily for me, i have not experienced the loss of my parents or brother, but kevin and grandpa were enough.

My aunt was 52 when she died. 52! so young! I chant for her that her soul is at peace or, if there is reincarnation, that her life in the next life is better, longer, and more fruitful than this time around.

Yikes, it was my gohonzon's 1 year birthday on Feb 1!

2008-02-07T13:03:00.000-08:00

I have been slacking on my chanting . I need to start chanting for something that is really important. Right now, relationships aren't my top priority. Except for the ones with my friends!

Because its a new year and it deserves a new set of goals I will set them out now. (oh yah, the last years goals didn't work out so well, but hey... karma works in mysterious ways. Things will turn out eventually).

1. Pass the washington, hawaii, and oregon bars
2. get a job that pays well, preferably an entertainment trademark/copyright firm ( or just be hired on as a lawyer at my firm! I love them!)
3. Be able to run 6 miles in under an hour.
4. Run a marathon.
5. Eat more healthy
6. cut out the wine ( i already cut out the chocolate martinis ;) although one now and then isn't so bad)
7. Help ronda promote her album
8. Write a killer paper about defamation and get published
9. make new friends
10. keep contact with old friends

I have started training. I am not quite sure for what maybe to run farther? So i vary High intensity interval training with weight training. Fun fun.

Life has actually been... okay. I get to hang out with my parents and brother more which makes me happy. I can talk to my friends b/c I dont have someone yelling at me to get off the phone. Yay! :)

I'm going home for graduation! I can't wait. Ronda, Mits and Jael (and the rest of my law school class) will be graduating also. This means that there will be lots of celebrating to do. since our class is known for our mad party skills i am not worried. I am chanting, however, for a drama less graduation.

Kennly may come for graduation. I am chanting that will happen and that she will be hired at google ( the job she really wants, so she can bring a puppy to work).

In all, I dont feel tied down. I think that is one of the most important things. I spoke to mits the other day, again about how the gohonzon works, and she said even though i may not see the path right now it'll be revealed when its time.

I am comforted by that thought. I'm protected and it is my actions which will guide me to what I am supposed to do. I will be guided not forced to the best outcome.

My mom asked me a couple of days ago if I regret anything i did in my past and, although there are a lot of things I probably should not have done, no, i dont regret a thing. whats the use? you cant change it.

The trials i faced in the past, created by my own thoughtless actions, were mine to face and i came out a better person for them. I am a lot more humble and accepting of others than I would have been had I not faced these trials.

A year ago if you my mother had asked me that question, i would have said, yes, i regret a lot. I think chanting has taught me to accept trials and look forward to them because it is only through great adversity that we learn our true capacity, nature, and potential.

No Oreo, gaining weight, and a C in my favorite class

2008-01-22T14:06:00.000-08:00

I just passed entertainment law. any lower and I would nt have been able to graduate. I am trying t keep positive, however, that this shows me maybe I shouldn't be an entertainment lawyer hahaha. However, I am very worried about the rest of my grades. I'm not sure what to do. It is too late to go back and change back time, So the only thing I can do nw is chant. I am chanting that the professr is in a good mood when he is grading my exam so I get at least a B. Please please. just need one B. On the plus side, I did pass. So, at least until i get the rest of my grades back. there is a chance that i will still be able to graduate on time.

I still have not found oreo. It breaks my heart. i miss her so much. she was my cat who i raised from a tiny kitten. I have not given up hope. I know that anything is possible in Nam Myoho Renge Kyo so I am still chanting. I believe things will still get better.

Finally, I gained anther 10 lbs despite going to the gym every other day and cutting back calories. I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I am giving up hope that i will ever not be obese. I wasn't obese when I got here, but as days go by I just gain weight no matter what i do. I have no idea whats wrong with me. I'm fighting with myself not to be depressed to keep a happy attitude. i will keep on chanting. things can only get better from here.

HELP US FIND OREO!

2007-12-19T22:39:00.001-08:00

Oreo went missing December 18, 2007 at midnight when she jumped off our porch. Please help us find our kitty. we really miss her.
She was last seen in Kruseway commons in lake Oswego.

Please help me chant for her safe return.

exams

2007-12-17T15:16:00.000-08:00

I am a lot calmer this semester. I dont think it is because i am more prepared, but probably just because i am chanting a lot more.
I am chanting to
1) retain and remember all the information i study and have studied;
2) that the information i retain and remember will flow coherently during the test to answer the questions; and
3) that my professors will be a good mood when they grade my test so that I may get the maximum amount of points.

Top Ten Reasons To Chant

2007-12-10T17:18:00.001-08:00

It is calming
I am proactively doing something to help myself
it gives me hope
it makes me happy
I am more aware of myself
I can chant for others to learn Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
It helps me achieve things I never thought possible
It helps me understand those things I can't change and those that I can
Chanting is fun
Chanting helps change you for the better

So sad

2007-12-05T22:57:00.001-08:00

Yesterday me and my study partner were checking out the doors at the law school. there is this weird little metal contraption that i never really understood. So, I asked her about it. why have a door that is always open? the thing keeps the door handle in a perpetual state of openness. She answered that it isn't to keep the door always open its to keep the door always readily available to be shut. I didn't understand. so, I said why would they want to have it always readily available to be shut? can't you just have locks. No. A disgruntled student could shoot off a lock, but this little metal contraption would be able to keep a disgruntled from getting in b/c there is no way of shooting it off. it just bars the whole door. Ingenius? yes. But it made me wonder. Why do we need it? Isn't it so sad that now we have to worry about disgruntled students open firing in classrooms?
Flash forward to today. A teenager open fired in a shopping mall. He wanted to go out and be famous. Sure, now he's famous, but does he want to be known for killing 8 people? and injuring so many others?

add this to your chanting everyone. I am going to add it to mine. That those people who are thinking of going this route won't and, instead, get the help they need so that they can see the good in themselves and others.

Thoughts I will never understand

2007-12-04T23:50:00.000-08:00

I know this sounds crazy. but I have perpetual dreams of my first love and best friend who died 7 years ago. the last couple of nights I've been stressed. super stressed. and I always wake up knowing its going to be okay. I see him in my dreams when i'm upset. and he tells me it'll be fine. struggle through it. Life's something to enjoy.
I guess you could say that my chanting is working b/c I always ask him for advice. it makes me happy to know he's still watching out for me and chanting brings us closer together.

For Kev
I miss you
every minute of every night
I dream of you.
think of you.
and hope
In time we will again unite.
my heart broke
when
I awoke
to the call, the voice, which said
you left me.
but not forever.
because in my dreams
you've continued to be
my comfort
and closest friend.
When grandpa died,
every time i cried
I see you and know it'll be all right.
I chant for you.
wish for you.
pray for you.
You were my knight
my sky
my life.
when i see you I know
Its going to be all right.

Letting go

2007-12-04T11:33:00.000-08:00

Letting go of friends is the hardest thing for me to do. Especially when I know it was partially my fault. I chant b/c it helps me to remember that these things happen. That these things were inevitable and it is better for them to be out of my life than later when it will hurt more.
I dont lose than many friends. In fact, many of my friends I have for a very long period of time.

I have learned through chanting, though, that I mourn the loss of those friends that I am no longer speaking with, but I rejoice in knowing that through chanting for their happiness they are still connected in some way. And, wherever they are, hopefully my chanting will help them achieve everything they want and deserve.

Sometimes people disappear from your life....

2007-12-03T20:27:00.000-08:00

Mits once told me sometimes people will disappear from your life when you are chanting and you will wonder why. It will hurt for a little while because you will wonder what happened to them, but in the end it is for the best. In essence, she meant that the gohonzon is protecting you by taking people away who will hurt you in the end.

I chanted for 40 minutes while shawn was at work on friday. I was chanting to know whether people who had hurt me before were going to hurt me again and, if they were, that they would no longer be in my life.

Karma works quick. It was inevitable that I would be hurt on the path that I was on. I put my faith in the gohonzon that what has passed and what will come to be with this particular person is in my best interests. To not talk may be the best thing for me. To not relive a particular part of my life is probably the easiest way to transition into a new part of my life.

Knowing these things sets my mind at ease. I will chant for their happiness wherever they are because it is the easiest way of letting them go.

Exams, wedding, general updates

2007-11-28T22:27:00.000-08:00

So, its been almost 3 months since I last posted. wow. Long time. But all of you will be happy to know I have chanted almost every day during those three months. in fact, it was one of the only things that has kept me going. Things have been up and down lately. First, let me start with the job situation.

I found one! I absolutely LOVE my job. I am working with a criminal defense law firm. Had I not given up the other one I would have never found something I truly liked.

Second, the relationship situation. I'm hoping chanting will shed some light on this. we set a date. maybe. again. we've been setting dates for 2 years. Maybe its me. Maybe its him. am I postponing it? am I scared of commitment?

We just picked up a tree today. I cut it down! well, DF did. we picked it out. Its beautiful! we got it in the house, and he starts yelling at me. even now, he's making fun of me that i'm still chanting. b/c I'm a "weird psycho". Intolerance and ridicule. I'm chanting for us to stay together for us to be happy. At this point, I'm not sure what i'm up to. I'm looking for a sign. I'll continue to chant for the best and we will see what is in store.

I know i have made this promise before but ill try to keep up with this journal even through all the hectic times :)

Coming out of the fog...

2007-09-09T22:12:00.001-07:00

Its been three days. I have had a lot of time to think about this. It was inevitable. I was not happy doing that type of work. I am not even so sure I even agreed with their politics. It is time for me to find something I really want to do. I really want to help people. Primarily women who have faced discrimination. I think I'd like to make a job out of it. In order to do this, I think I will start applying to fellowships and jobs primarily working with women's rights. If I enjoy researching it on my own why shouldn't I be paid for it? Chanting saved me from working for a job where i would not have been happy. I was even depressed when I got the job! Sure, I was happy I got a job, but I was depressed like this is the end of my life. Oh no. Now, I think it will all be better. I am a lot more optimistic about devoting my life to women's rights than having to deal with all the other random crap. I'll chant for a way through this mess and by finding my way through it, maybe I will find myself.

Worst day ever

2007-09-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

I am not going to go into the details, but i will just say I quit my job. I am a little nervous now. I'm not sure if my career is ruined before it even began. Please chant for me everyone.

Hired! and I made friends!

2007-08-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

I am so excited about the new school year. I made friends AND I got hired ! Life could not get any better! The students at Lewis and Clark are SO NICE. Well, maybe its because I am a visiting student, but I met a couple of transfer students. So I am very excited. I chanted for friends and a job and I got both! Now all I want is straight a's *wink*. But i'll settle for at least a 3.0 this semester. Super happy about everything. One of the first people I met is in my Federal Indian Law class and he has a fiance so we are going to meet this weekend to hang out! Yay! We'll have a couples thing. I'll introduce him to Sarah and Mig Mig. itll be great!!! More info soon. gtg df is bugging me to finish the laundry. I dont know why he cant do it himself he is standing right there
. but oh well.

Sorry it took so long to update

2007-08-17T21:29:00.000-07:00

Sorry about that everyone. Mits said that you've been wondering whats been going on. I have been trying to settle in to Oregon. That means : finding Shawn a job, applying for the a job, hunting down funds for tuition from the financial aid department, unpacking, apologizing to my professor for not getting my final memo in on time ( all my notes got packed in the mad rush to move) and trying not to fight with shawn about small things.

I have been chanting though. Chanting that my professor will not be too angry at me and will understand that moving was more difficult than I thought it would be, that shawn will find a job soon, that the job will hire me ( please please please!) that UH will agree to give me enough financial aid and that shawn will stop picking on me about little things.

I have been happy though. My parents are here. Yay! So, I have seen them almost every day. I do not think I would have been able to handle it very well if my parents were here. I would have been so lonely. I miss my friends in Hawaii a lot, but, somehow, here feels more like home o me. I am a lot more relaxed. even with all my deadlines looming over me.

Chanting has helped me through those really lonely times where shawn was nitpicking about small things that I can't help. Oh, we postponed the wedding. We're thinking some time next year. If ever. It has also helped me to be more patient. I promise I will keep you all updated from now on.

thirteen days since...

2007-07-27T18:59:00.000-07:00

I last posted. Sorry everyone. I'm totally slacking. I have a ton of work I need to do and I'm scared about moving to Portland. Besides this, there is something that totally threw me for a loop. My columbia email address got cancelled. I know I know. It was bound to happen, but it seems so final. But with the closure of my account I lost all my email addy's and a couple messages I always seemed to go back to.

Okay, so here's the thing, guys. The closure of the columbia email addy made me extremely sad because it was a part of my life that needed to be closed, but never did. In fact, i held to those messages for a while. It was a life that I desperately wanted to go back to, but couldn't because of the circumstances. The events were too much for me to overcome so I came back to Hawaii and was not allowed to go back. All right, here is where this post comes in and how it applies to chanting. I started chanting for closure. Closure from Columbia so that I could move on with my life. Closure because if I dont do this now I will be forever upset and think that there was something that I have lost but can never find again. With all these little successes I have done, nothing to me seems real because of the way my time there ended. I had no time to end it.
All right, here is where it gets complicated and I am shaking as I write this. I know I should chant about this, and I will. But as I chanted for closure one name kept popping into my head more than any other names. The feeling of excitement mixed with extreme despair comes back over me as I think about it. When I left, i left someone who did not mean much to me emotionally, but hurt me and intrigued me enough that I still sort of wonder what happened to him. Believe me, you dont want to know the circumstances around this.

It has been SIX YEARS. SIX! since I have last seen him. His last words to me were call me when you get back to new york. the last time I saw him. well, we wont discuss that. Six years since I've seen him. Six years since we have had contact. Six years since the possibility of contact was even available. I dont even know if he remembers me, but, man, do I remember him. So, now, after chanting for closure to my years at Columbia University, I have found his current email address. Which is interesting because his email address has never been available UNTIL NOW. Believe me, I've searched for a long time. Question I have is should I email him and, if i do, will this give me the closure that I need? For six years, I have pondered what happened. thought about what I would say if I did email him. I dont know. I dont know why I even looked for him. I was not interested in him in the relationship sense. I dont know why I even think about it anymore. Anyone have any ideas?
I will chant on this. For this situation to resolve itself because Im pretty sure emailing him, if he remembers me, will not be closure. It will open up a whole big can of worms that will send me spiraling down hill again.

Been a whole week?

2007-07-14T01:25:00.001-07:00

Wow. its been a whole week since I've updated. I have found that I have been chanting simply to chant. Shawn left yesterday. So, I have been trying to clean the apartment. I have been chanting in my head while cleaning. It is insane how long it takes to clean a small one bedroom apartment. I have been chanting to keep me going. I hope everyone else is doing well. I will keep everyone updated as I plow along.

New Adventures

2007-07-06T03:10:00.000-07:00

Now that I finally have been accepted to Lewis and Clark, I know I have something I can look forward to. Therefore, working has been a whole lot easier for me. Chanting has helped also. I am so excited. I can now focus on other goals. Such as getting my life in order. I am not sure I want to start planning a wedding just yet. I think I may wait on that for a while. Right now, I think I want to just enjoy being me and taking things in stride. Something that I have not done before because I am so neurotic. But it is time for a new adventure. I love moving. I moved around a lot when i was younger. Every time it felt like I could create a whole new life. It is time to start on my newest adventure. Mid-twenties in the Portland. Oh man, I hope I'm ready for it. Actually, I hope Portland is ready for me ;)

I'm in! I'm in!

2007-07-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

I finally received my acceptance letter from Lewis and Clark. I am so excited. I was chanting yesterday that I would hear today. So, one of the secretaries in the registrar sent me an email with an attachment of my acceptance letter! All the problems, doubts and fears were worth the end result. All of today I was moping around work, the house and the kaikan. I chanted. A lot. My day was going awful. At both work places I feel like my bosses are getting annoyed with me because of my lack of attention. Mainly caused by my stress of not knowing where I will be in a month. I checked my mailbox after work and did not find anything. So, I moped around a little more and called DF to find out if he wanted lunch because I was feeling a little down. he said okay so I ordered for the both of us take out so i could take it home. then, just for the heck of it, I decided to check my email. The acceptance letter was in my email! I was so happy I cried in the middle of the restaurant. haha. I called my mom and told her that we would be in Oregon. My whole family is super excited. I'm even more so because one of my cousins is graduating high school and I will be there to help her through her senior year. Yay!!!

Someone else's experience I found and thought I'd share

2007-07-02T02:11:00.000-07:00

I went searching around the internet to find out about chanting while driving, studying, and just about everything else. I wanted to know that you can chant while doing these things. I found this link that I thought I'd share beause I sort of enjoyed it. Experience

Fighting....

2007-07-01T05:24:00.001-07:00

We had a fight. Over something so stupid, I can't even explain it. It hasn't ended. The fight has only just begun. I left the house and sat in the rain sobbing. I chanted. Please just please help me through this. I'm back in my house, but I'm not sure for how long. Maybe I'll leave again. He'll never notice.
This has been such a stressful week. He doesn't understand. I'm so hurt. so scared. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont even know where my life is headed. I'm continuing to chant. The answers to all my questions will soon be revealed. I just hope I'm ready for them.

More waiting

2007-06-29T18:47:00.000-07:00

I woke up and chanted for an hour. Then, I went to work, and, later, I called Lewis and Clark again because they did not respond yesterday. again. they did not respond. I figured the reason they were not responding was because they were avoiding me. So, I was really upset. I finished up work and headed to the kaikan. I sat there chanting for a half an hour. I was pretty calm. And then my phone rang. Finally, it was LC letting me know that my documents were being reviewed right then and I would know in a couple of days because the decision would be in the mail. After receiving this news, I was pretty relieved that my docs were in, but it was at that moment I realized they were reviewing my file. They would be deciding at that moment if I was getting in. I walked back into the kaikan and started chanting again. This time, I was sobbing. I am sure the little japanese couple sitting next to me was thinking what is wrong with this girl? But I sat there chanting and sobbing that everything would work out as planned. We'll see right?

Waiting

2007-06-28T11:24:00.000-07:00

Still waiting for a response. i dont even know if my transcripts got there. They are not answering their phone or emails. I am so worrried. I wish I could just hear something!Even if it is to knw that all my documents got there on time. Sigh. More chanting. Then off to work.

My wedding....a sort of update

2007-06-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm amazed. Its finally happened. DF has finally agreed to set a date for our wedding. Contingent on whether or not I get into Lewis and Clark. How's that for pressure? If I get in, we are planning on getting married some time in September. This is amazing because 1) DF HATES planning and has refused to set a wedding date for a year and a half; 2) DF is afraid of changes, but he has agreed to both move and get married within a matter of months; and 3) DF has always wanted to get married in Hawaii, but has agreed to get married in Oregon because it is closer to my family and cheaper.
So, after I groggily opened my eyes and wrote a page of a memo for my job, I sat in front of my omamori crying and chanting for a half an hour this morning. Once again, with the intent to get into Lewis and Clark. It seems like everything is getting into order. Everything except my acceptance letter. *Sigh* With so much of my life contingent on this letter I am scared of what will happen if I do not get in.
I must admit, right now, I am having doubts about my faith. However, doubts only force me to sit longer in front of the omamori. If it hadn't been for me wanting to learn how to write better and taking a class from a super hard grader I would not be in this situation. If I had decided to take a class from an easier grader and learned less I would have probably gotten at least a B instead of a C+. Then, my acceptance would not be in jeopardy. But, no, I had to want to learn something. Why was I so stupid?
I am going to go wander back to my omamori now and chant a little longer. Chanting is about making the impossible possible and so far many of the impossible has happened, only, it is all contingent on the biggest impossibility of them all: that I get in.

Crying while chanting?

2007-06-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

Ever had that experience where you walk in the kaikan and felt such a strong presence that you just have to sit down and cry? I cried off and on while chanting for an hour. I've been cryng since. I don't listen to the radio anymore. I just chant in the car. I guess, I'm pretty much begging to get in to Lewis and Clark right around now. Because, when I received the faux "welcome letter" i had thought that was my acctance letter and assured my landlords that we would be leaving at the end of July. If I dont get in we have no place to go. Maybe my grandmother's house, but I am not sure what we would do with our cats. My hanai-sister bought her ticket to come visit us for Sept 21. she did this based on the idea I was getting in. DF's family has finally come to reason. They have finally agreed to help pay for the move and to give him some spending money in the process. If everything is coming together then why am I so depressed? I keep telling myself over and over just have faith. Everything will work out. Things will work out as they are supposed to. But how are they supposed to work out? I just want to be with my family, at my home with my dogs. my DF is finally happy were moving. we're all ready to go. Why did my transcripts and letter of good standing get delayed? I am running out of time. I need to know soon or I dont know what will happen. i'm thinking of taking a year off. Finding myself, but i know deep down if i do that I will never come back. I just wont. So I have to finish now and the only way I would be willig to finish is if I do not have to stay. Complicated, right?

Chanting harder....

2007-06-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

For a moment, I was really quite happy with myself. I thought I was going to Lewis and Clark when I received a letter saying Welcome to Lewis and Clark! Unfortunately, I had a nagging feeling. It told me I haven't gotten in yet. It said you haven't gotten in yet. Chant harder and, without a reason why, I dismissed it for a day. But then, I did. I started chanting only to get into Lewis and Clark Law School. Then, I called LC. They told me they had not received anything. not my transcripts, not my letter of good standing, nothing. Then, they told me if my grades dropped drastically I would not get in. How far is drastically? I almost cried. In the past, I would have been freaking out. I did freak out. A little. But I kept my promise to myself that I wouldn't get seriously wasted. Instead, I patiently called the registrar at UH Manoa and let them know what was going on. They replied they would resend it to LC. Then, I called Grant, who is in charge of writing the letters of good standing. Because I called, both transcript and letter of good standing would be sent out that day.
I am not happy that this happened, but I have realized a couple of things from this experience. I have to help myself. had i not had a nagging feeling that LC had not truly accepted me I would have lost my chance of being accepted at all. I believe, that had I not started chanting to get in, I would not have been so calm.
The worst karma come before the good right? Hopefully, I am expending my negative energy now, and things will go right from now on. I'm still chanting with the single minded task to get into LC. I trust in the Gohonzon that if this is the best thing that will happen, it will.

law school

2007-06-17T08:19:00.000-07:00

I dont think this is what I want to do anymore. I think its driving me crazy. I'm always unhappy and paranoid. There has to be another way to live, right?

Strange occurences; why i did not leave Oregon

2007-06-10T20:45:00.001-07:00

i was supposed to leave last night. Really, but Fate had something else in store for me. (Still, to this minute I have no idea what fate wanted me to do).

Last night, I hung out with my aunt and her family. For some strange reason, they started discussing "plane crashes." I told them of my uneasiness with the conversation, but they did not stop talking about it. They simply told me not to worry that I had a larger chance of winning the lottery than getting into a plane crash. Fine. So, I wandered away from the table. I did not want to think about plane crashes because I was leaving the next morning. Therefore, I picked up a magazine. The first article I opened my magazine to was entitled "what to do in a plane crash" or something like that. Okay, so that freaked me out a little more, but I figured "hey, i could win the lottery before I crash." fine, so, I went back home and chanted for a while about it because, for one of the first times in my life, I was worried.

I went to the airport. There, is where the real problems happened. First, the front gate person said I did not pay for my ticket. so we had to pay for it all over again. THEN the gate person printed out the WRONG TICKET for a DIFFERENT PERSON and, when he found out that was not me, he figured out that I had paid for my ticket so he had charged me twice. My mother received a confirmation number for the cancellation. At this point, I am a little uneasy, but figure it will be okay. I just am paranoid. Stuff like this happens all the time. No way.

I get past security and buy a travel pillow and blanket because i am so freaked out and I sit in the bathroom chanting. Please, if there is a reason I should not be on this flight, please please do not let me get on it. So they call my row. I get on the plane. I am about to sit down and the airline stewardess asks me to please leave the plane with her. SHE TOOK ME OFF THE PLANE. And Why? you may ask, because she said i DID NOT PAY FOR MY TICKET. That was it. For some reason or another, there was some reason i should either not be in Hawaii or I should not leave Portland. So, I stayed. There was no way I was getting on that plane.

Would you?

leaving oregon

2007-06-10T00:37:00.000-07:00

I'm sad. I have to leave Oregon. I really like the grocery stores, the people, and especially being with my parents. I am going to miss them a lot. Hopefully, I get in to Lewis and Clark and I receive my acceptance letter relatively soon. Shawn and I are moving out of the apt on July 31. Therefore, we have to get all the crap out by June 1 so they can show the apt. Yah, I know. I dont know how we'll do it. It'll take a lot of chanting for that one.

I chanted for a place I could call home and I believe I have found it. I am very comfortable here. My family is here and the weather is nice. It is so much different than Hawaii. I do not think I really want to go back. I have been dreading going back, but I think that it is good to have some closure in Hawaii before moving.

I am chanting even harder now to move to Oregon. I have faith that everything will work out. The best thing that is supposed to happen will. Trust the gohonzon right? I think I will try to get ahold of the Oregon Kaikan as soon as I move here. I was not able to this trip as my mother is extremely against me going to any place of worship other than the catholic church. Sad. i mean, I do believe in Christ, but I believe there is a way of believing in both the gohonzon and Christ. I am not up to fully discussing this belief right now but will discuss it further down the line.

Please chant for me guys. I really want to get into Lewis and Clark because I want to be by my family and start a new life here in Oregon by August. Getting accepted into Lewis and Clark will help me fulfill this goal because I will be able to start making connections in Oregon by spending my last year here. Thanks for all your support and for reading! :)

lights out

2007-06-07T01:30:00.000-07:00

I have not been able to sleep with the lights out when I am in a room by myself for almost 6 years. The light always has to be on. I am afraid of the dark. Most people outgrow this stage when they get older, but I did not. I had terrible nightmares since I was in high school; dreams that are so real they seem like reality and have had unexplained devastating premonitions of my own life, but I will not write about those things. I am excited becase for the past three nights, I was able to sleep in my own bed with only my dogs at my side and without a light! I am so proud of myself.

I have been chanting almost consistently for six months. I have not been able to chant as much as I want lately, but I have been chanting at least ten minutes a day. I have not gotten over my fear of the dark, but I have not had any problems since I started. I am extremely happy about this. I have had no nightmares. I can only contribute this happy occurrence to the consistent chanting of nam myoho renge kyo.

Another happy thing, I found the apartment of my dreams. We will be signing the papers tomorrow. I am super super happy. However, I am a little worried because I am not officially "in" to Lewis and Clark Law School, but I have faith that things will work out as they should. Finding this apartment was a bit unusual because usually a person is not able to hold an apartment for over a month. However, the lady at the real estate office said that they had an "unusual" opening that has not been listed and would be open August 5th in the exact place and model of apartment that I wanted! I took it as a sign and agreed we would come in and make the apartment signing official.

I will continue chanting for he best possible outcome. I believe that this involves me creating a new life with my family in Oregon.

Deer?

2007-06-04T18:55:00.001-07:00

This is a journal about chanting. I guess, however, it is a journal about how I feel about chanting and about me. I was tired and relieved when i wrote my last journal post. Usually, I will record everything down here that I want to remember experiences that I think are important probably brought around by chanting. The deer and water may have seemed like babble because I didn't explain it correctly. I felt lucky and excited that I saw the deer. I wanted to see a deer. I haven't seen one in a while. Who would be so lucky that a deer would come up to their car and wait patiently as they took its picture? Maybe, I was in the right place at the right time to see the deer because I was unable to drink from the water fountain, which was a disappointment, but even though the fountain was a disappointment the deer more than made up for it. Something will always make up for the disappointments.

I chanted really hard to get my classes at Lewis and Clark that I needed. I was so excited when I was able to get my top two courses! They only accept six people in one class and 16 in the other. And I am in both! How lucky can one get?! All I need now is that last congratulations letter that I am in on a non contingent basis. More chanting needed. More faith needed. More help?

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship lately. Are we compatible? Happy? still in love? I think we are, but I chant on this a lot. if he is not the one for me and I am not the one for him, that we will find those we are supposed to be with. I want him happy. I want to be happy. If we can't be happy together then maybe we can be happy apart. I don't know. We are working through things. I love him, but is he as understanding as I need him to be? Am I comparing him to someone that he will never be? and why do i compare him to this person? which person is it? is it a combination of my grandfather, father, and my brother? is it my best guy friend? all men who are very important in my life who were and are, respectively, understanding, funny, silly, compatible, helpful, successful, and supportive? Is there someone in my life that is all these things that I do not have to wait for? or will he come into my life? And, if there is that someone, why don't I know of that person? or maybe I do, he just never expressed interest.
I know these aren't the thoughts a girl who is engaged is supposed to be thinking about, but if i do not think about them now when will I? I do not want to make a mistake. As one of my best friends reminded me, marriage is forever. (well it's supposed to be). There are things he simply refuses to do which lead me to believe we are only engaged so he could keep me happy, but an engagement without any follow through doesn't mean much. Does this mean he's waiting for something better? I really need to chant on this. I know we love each other, but is it enough?

Yay!

2007-06-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

Dad said its definitely not cancer. Yay! I am completely torn about something which I should probably chant about. Now that I know it is not cancer the one thing i am chanting for is to get into lewis and clark.
I sat in a car for five hours today. Then, we fell asleep in the hotel room. That was the entire day. Pretty much. Oh! I saw two deer! My brother took pictures. Many of them. they were so cute. They walked right up to our car. I will post pictures soon. Also, I read about a spring full of lithium water. I heard it smelled funny and tasted awful. So, of course, i had to taste it. I was so upset when i tried to "fountain of lithium water" and found out it was just typical tap water. ugh. Then, I saw that the lithium water fountain was out of service. Oh well, I guess i will have to wait to taste pungent icky water.

doubts...

2007-05-24T00:55:00.000-07:00

I'm Bored. Lately, I have had a lot of doubts about my faith and everytime I feel those doubts getting stronger I chant harder. Today, I ended up chanting for an hour because I was trying so hard to have my head back in the right place. I know I'm chanting for the impossible. But sometimes, it would be nice to have some things to show for it. Can't have good things happen all the time, but shouldn't things start getting better? I know this is going to get better. I will just chant harder and things will be okay.

Last night, my df and I had a huge fight. We went to sleep angry. I hate it when that happens. So, I couldn't sleep. I woke up and watched a black shadow drift in my bathroom. I'm not sure what the shadow was. For my peace of mind, I am going to say it was just a shadow from the outside. I chanted quietly in my head and curled up closer next to df. Sensing that I was scared he woke up and curled his arms around me. I was finally able to sleep.

We fight a lot, but, for us, I think thats just how we are. I have been doing a lot of soul searching. There have been a lot of doubts about this relationship. I have had some other opportunities. I dont want to leave. I watch him as he grows day by day. He's getting more mature. We both have growing up to do. We yell at each other that we do not want to be together, but when we are apart there is no one we would rather be with. Things will get better. We just need patience and some understanding. I just need to chant harder.

Its been a while....

2007-05-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I wrote in my journal. This is because 1) I have been working crazy hours; 2) my parents were in town; and 3) there really has not been much to report. I have been working really hard at the DOE, school, and the judiciary. I'm so tired, but I won't whine about it anymore. I'm the stupid one who signed up for all of it.
Anyway, there has been no news of my grades. I'm very scared now. I hope everything comes out the way I need them to. I am scared about what might happen if they do not. I am scared about life, my future, and my career. All of which, unfortunately, are the same.
I have been chanting. Mostly in the car. I dont really like chanting in the car, because I am so distracted by everything around me. However, chanting in the car helps me with two things 1) I am not running people off the road who cut me off and 2) I am not screaming obscenities out the window at those very same people who cut me off. Okay, maybe a few obscenities, but only in the comfort of my air-conditioned car.
Things have not been resolved with my DF. Well, at least the big thing. I have been chanting. He gave up. I think I'll bug him about it tonight. It is his life, but it is also mine, that he is messing with. I am so mentally exhausted, but I know it'll be worth it in the end. Please keep on chanting for us to get through this problem. I just want the whole thing to be dropped. Maybe, just maybe, the dockets will be too full and they won't want to deal with something so small. We'll see.
On the other side of things, my parents came to visit. I miss them. A lot. They want me to stay in Hawaii. Deep inside I know it is probably the right choice because i may have more opportunities here. So, I have been chanting to the gohonzon to show me the path I need to take. Which is the best path for me. I really want to go to Oregon, but I really want to have a good career. Would I be able to do both in Oregon?
Things are changing here. I am changing and so are my dreams, but essentially my core has always stayed the same. The same basic desire to travel and go back to new york, the only place I sort of felt was home. I'm really not sure where my life is going right now, but hopefully it leads to a place I am comfortable and won't want to leave. I just want to find my niche and my "home." Is that too much to ask?

The test from Hell

2007-05-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

So, I have been chanting to get an A on this final for a while. Probably started before January. Anyway, the test turned out to be the worst ever. I understood the test, but during the middle of the test my calculator stopped working! So I had to take time off to look for a new calculator. By the time I got back, I had lost 10 minutes. Then, my backspace wouldn't work on my computer! I was almost crying by then, but since i took my omamori with me for good luck I tried to remain calm. It was really really tough. Especially since there was no way that I can type without making mistakes. In this one sentence I have used the backspace key at least 10 times. Can you imagine what my test looked like?! OMG!
THEN! I tell the proctor at the end of the test that the key wasn't working. And lo and behold the stupid key starts working. I hope he believed me. However, they still switched out the stupid keyboard.

Lucky, lucky me. First the whole problem with my personal life where I can't study and when I finally get to the test and I know the answers and I can't even work on it!

Now, for damage control, I am chanting super hard that my teacher will take pity on my plight and give me extra points for working through the problems.